I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
