the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize