I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
