Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You may now shotgun with the bride
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
