So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Randomize
