I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
