there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
