I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
