Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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