At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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