she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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