it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
