The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize