I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
