I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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