this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
