Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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