my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
