i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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