Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Is Oprah even human
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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