i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
