I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
