I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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