so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
