sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
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you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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