I look better un-naked...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
