I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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