Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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