you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
