did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
