Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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