Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
