I wish I could teleport
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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