She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
