Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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