Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
