she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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