Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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