Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
