I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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