No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
