Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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