Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
