Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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