Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
