Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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