I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm sobbing to NWA
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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