So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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