I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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