You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
