the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My bed smells like the plague
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
