I'm so fucking centered right now
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
