I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
