This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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