The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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