a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
