it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
