Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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