I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
