I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
