We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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